45 Excellent Ron Swanson Quotes

Ron Swanson is an amazing fictional character who is created by Micheal Schur and Greg Daniels and portrayed by Nick Offerman from the situation comedy TV series Parks & Recreation on NBC. So the best Ron Swanson Quotes about love, work, Breakfast and America are in the following:

1. “Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.” Ron Swanson

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2. “Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero stars.”

3. “There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk.”

4. “Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.”

5. “Child labor laws are ruining this country.”

6. “There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.”

7. “I’d wish you the best of luck but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.”

8. “Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.”

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9. “There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.” Ron Swanson

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10. “Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.”

11. “Normally, if given the choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night, if it meant nothing got done.”

12. “On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.”

13. “It’s always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.”

14. “Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.”

15. “I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women, and breakfast food.”

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16. “It’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can go outside and stand in it.” Ron Swanson

17. “My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model. I would rather work for Chuck E. Cheese.”

18. “Tom put all my records into this rectangle. The songs just play one after the other. This is an excellent rectangle.”

19. Ann: Do you exercise?    Ron: Yes. Lovemaking and woodworking.”

20. “One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it.”

21. “I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.”

22. “There has never been a sadness that can’t been cured by breakfast food.” Ron Swanson

23. “I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.”

24. “When people get too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.”

25. “Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait…wait. I worry what you just heard was: Give me a lot of bacon and eggs. What I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?”

26. “The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.”

27. “Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.”

Also Read: 25 Best Morpheus Quotes From The Matrix

28. “If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.” Ron Swanson

29. “History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake.”

30. “Keep your tears in your eyes where they belong.” 

31. “I’m not interested in caring about people.”

32. “Are you going to tell a man that he can’t fart in his own car?”

33. “Sting like a bee. Do not float like a butterfly. That’s ridiculous.”

34. “When I eat, it is the food that is scared.”

35. “Give 100%. 110% is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.” Ron Swanson

36. “Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.”

37. “The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am.”

38. “I like saying ‘No,’ it lowers their enthusiasm.”

39. “Friends: one to three is sufficient.”

40. “Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless”

41. “America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other cultures, use an atlas or a ham radio.” Ron Swanson

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42. “My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he’s allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe…when he desires them.”

43. “Breakfast food can serve many purposes.”

44. “Turkey can never beat cow.”

45. “Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.”

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